eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
