My hand turned me down
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
