I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
