i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize