allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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