Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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