I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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