Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize