Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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