I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize