just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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