there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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