Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
