I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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