I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
