In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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