I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
