I'm so fucking centered right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
