im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
