you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
