Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
