dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize