Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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