i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
