Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
