And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Drake has all the answers
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
