..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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