while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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