i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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