Your tits are I can't wait for
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize