Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They are going to name an STD after you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
