the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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