i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
