I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
