One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
