Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
