do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
