exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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