i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
