I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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