Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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