The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
