I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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