Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
