Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
