why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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