Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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