Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
