She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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