I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
