i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
