How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
