I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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