your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
