Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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