please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
