i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
