No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
