What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize