I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
