My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
