remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
