he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
whose ass print is on the piano?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
