The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
