Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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