Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
