grandma shit on top of the toilet
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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